love at first sight

stack of love wooden blocks

Every woman is different. Every experience is unique. Yet as we gather here…our outcomes are the same. We lost a baby! Lord, its hard to even type those words. Whether it was 8 days, 8 weeks or 8 months…we lost a little being that was growing inside of us. The little life that captured all our love the instant we knew.

When I hear “love at first sight”…don’t tell…but I don’t think of my hubby. Sure I thought he as handsome with his premature gray hair and baby blues but I wasn’t head over heals in love right away. Our love grew, developed and evolved. We got to know one another over Coronas and Coors Lts. and eventually realized life together would be a rollercoaster we wanted to ride again and again.

Yet, the minute I saw a second pink line slowly appear on my pregnancy test…I was in love…crazy love. My mind went a million places. I thought about the snuggles, smiles, a boy/girl, crib, car seat, new car, names, telling family, what they were like right at that moment, the future kicks that would feel like butterflies…you name it, I thought about it! Before I even got off the potty…my mind was swirling with the hopes and dreams that were captured within this magical device that predicted out future…our pregnancy test had two pick lines.

Ironically, when you talk to medical personal…conversations sound like this. When was your LMP? Your HCG is (fill in the blank). Your progesterone is (again fill in the blank but we all know we hoped for a solid number). You are measuring…your baby is measuring. Your numbers are doubling/your numbers are not doubling. The list can go on. Yet, numbers, tests, bloodwork, sonograms can not show the love I already had in my heart.

So sadly, that magical device could not predict in days, weeks, or months your heart would feel like it was being ripped out of your chest. That the sadness you felt would seem crushing at times. That the simple act of inhaling and exhaling would prove to be a challenge on the toughest of days. That tears would flow in the shower, your car, as you lay yourself down to sleep, driving, etc.  That you would question why God hated you so much and what a horrible person you must be for this to happen to you…again and again.

With all matters of the heart, what is put to paper can never truly explain what is in your heart. Experiencing the joy of being pregnant to only be replaced by the sadness of losing a baby, is such a cross to bare. Yet as mothers we do! Not only do we carry this cross but we survive. We learn how to breath again, while knowing that we have experienced love at first sight.

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