Early Pregnancy Loss
After finding out your no longer has a heartbeat, your healthcare provider will consider your individual circumstances and help you decide on your next steps. The three delivery options are to miscarry through expectant management (watchful waiting), medical management (medication you take at home to induce labor) or surgical management (D&C for intrauterine pregnancy or surgical removal of ectopic pregnancy). All three are discussed here, and special consideration is given to how these methods align with Catholic Church teaching. Like so many parts of this experience, there is no right or wrong way to deliver your baby. Everyone has different needs and circumstances. The best decision for you is the one that is the best decision for your physical and mental health.
What Can I Expect: Delivery
It is natural to be anxious about the physical process of miscarrying, regardless of how you deliver. Catholic Miscarriage Support offers detailed and supportive information about what many women can expect at the links below. Information about treatment for an ectopic pregnancy is included in both the Medical and Surgical Management sections.
For other situations, such as a molar or partial molar pregnancy, or blighted ovums, information can be found here.
If having a private burial for your baby is important to you, there are steps you can take during the delivery process that are discussed at the links above as well as in the section below. Whether you miscarry at home or in a healthcare setting, you have choices.
What Are My Options: My Baby’s Remains
Especially with early losses, it is not always possible to identify your baby’s remains. This can depend on a number of factors, like how far into pregnancy you are and how long it has been since the baby’s heart stopped.
Some parents feel strongly that they want to see and hold their baby. In other cases, parents feel strongly that it is not something they are comfortable doing, or that they do not feel is important in their processing of the miscarriage. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
Some may find it helpful to view pictures to know what to expect as they miscarry and others may find pictures extremely upsetting. If after prayerful consideration you wish to view images to help you identify your baby and be prepared, links are available here. If you miscarry without surgical intervention, there are recommendations for caring for your baby’s remains as you await their burial available here.
Many mothers miscarry while seeking care in the Emergency Department, have a surgical procedure or occasionally, are admitted to the hospital to manage early miscarriages. Following the passage of Lily’s Law, Oklahoma parents have the right to request their baby’s remains for private burial if that is something that feels important to you. You may have to advocate for your preferences, but the law is very clear on this issue and can be found here. It applies to all gestational ages. If you are miscarrying at the hospital (without a surgical procedure) you can ask your nurse for a specimen collection pan or hat to use in the restroom to help you collect your baby’s remains. If you are having a surgical procedure, inform your care team prior to your procedure if you wish to request your baby’s remains.
If you miscarry at a healthcare facility you can also ask your care team about their facility’s policies. Some health systems have a burial program in place where babies that are less than 20 weeks can be included in a common burial at no charge to the parents. Most of these burials take place at Resurrection Memorial Cemetery. Some parents find this to be comforting and also a relief that they will not have to make those arrangements. Other parents prefer a private burial and because of Lily’s Law, this is legally protected.
Later Pregnancy Loss
After finding out your baby no longer has a heartbeat, your healthcare provider will consider your individual circumstances and help you decide on your next steps. Your doctor may allow you to decide when you would like to be induced, or you may be admitted immediately for an induction. There is no right or wrong way to make these decisions. The best decision for you is the one that is the best decision for your physical and mental health.
What Can I Expect: Delivery
For later pregnancy loss, it is likely you will be admitted to the hospital for delivery. Catholic Miscarriage Support offers information specific to stillbirth here. If there is time, you might consider engaging a bereavement doula to walk with you through your labor and delivery.
Making Memories
Once you have delivered, spend time with your baby. Try to follow what feels right for you and do not worry about what others may expect from you. There is nothing strange or wrong about wanting to hold your baby, sing or talk to your baby, or any other bonding experience that feels important to you. You can ask your nurse what bereavement care they can provide. This can include having footprints or hand and feet molds made, having a nurse take pictures of you as a family, etc.
Remembrance Photography
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is an organization of volunteer photographers. NILMDTS offers heirloom quality portraiture free of charge to families who experience stillbirth after 22 weeks or a neonatal death. You can call or text the Oklahoma dispatcher at the number found here to find out if a photographer is available for your family. If a volunteer is available, they will conduct a portrait session at the hospital and you will receive an online gallery of your images. In the event a volunteer is not available, NILMDTS also offers professional retouching services for families who were unable to have an affiliated photographer take photos of their baby.
Your Baby’s Condition
Most hospitals in the Oklahoma City area have a Cuddle Cot or Caring Cradle so that your baby can room with you for as long as you wish during your hospital stay. Your baby’s condition may change quickly after birth but this will depend on a variety of factors. Some families find the changes in their baby’s appearance to be distressing and some families wish for their baby to stay with them as long as possible. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Again, the right decision is the one you feel is best.
Making Decisions
Before you are discharged from the hospital, you will likely be required to make decisions about your baby’s remains. Some health systems have a burial program in place where babies that are less than 20 weeks can be included in a common burial at no charge to the family. Most of these burials take place at Resurrection Memorial Cemetery. Some parents find this to be comforting and also a relief that they will not have to make those arrangements. Other parents prefer a private burial and because of Lily’s Law, this is legally protected. Most hospitals require the family to make arrangements for any loss after 20 weeks gestation. For help in making these decisions, please see our Burial Information & Assistance page.